The Farthest Distance in the World

What is the farthest distance in the world? Tagore once said:

The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I stand in front of you, yet you don’t know that I love you. The farthest distance in the world is not between two trees, but between the branches that cannot depend on each other in the wind, even though they grow from the same root. The farthest distance in the world is the distance between a fish and a bird—one in the sky, the other in the sea…

This beautiful poem reveals profound truths about life. Today, I’d like to add a few lines of my own. But first, let me share some personal experiences from this past summer.

This summer, I finally made it back to China with my two teenage boys to visit my mother and my mother-in-law. Four years had passed since my last visit. Four years had turned my boys into grown-ups, but during these years, their grandmothers’ health had deteriorated significantly.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago. Fortunately, she recovered after treatment, but she now suffers from hearing loss. My mother-in-law had shown increasing signs of dementia following two wrist fractures and a recent stroke. These incidents had taken both a physical and mental toll on her.

Visiting my mother-in-law

We arrived at my mother-in-law’s apartment one evening. I was relieved when she greeted us and recognized her two grandsons without much confusion. But it wasn’t long before I noticed how much she had changed. The stroke had taken away her signature warm smile, leaving her numb and indifferent to her surroundings. She was no longer the caring, attentive mother-in-law I remembered, who would always jump to meet the needs of her loved ones. Now it was our turn to care for her.

She always loved playing Mahjong, so we tried to play with her every day. I soon found myself looking forward to Mahjong time—not for the game itself, but because during those moments, she seemed like her old self. Only then did I feel she was truly present with us.

Outside of those moments, however, she preferred to be left alone. My attempts to help or start conversations sometimes irritated her instead of making her happy. She often sat staring at the TV with the volume turned up to its maximum or repeated the same hand movements mechanically with a solemn expression. She also walked in circles inside the apartment.

One time, I noticed she had been walking in circles for a long time and asked her to take a break because she looked exhausted, but she ignored me completely and kept walking. Her soul seemed to be in another world at that time—a world I could not reach.

She had always been close to me and my boys—at least, in our hearts. But now…

At that moment, to me, the farthest distance in the world was when I stood beside her, calling out to her, yet she was somewhere beyond my reach.

Facing my mother’s habits

The story with my own mother was another version. While her mind remained sharp in many ways, some of her lifelong habits created challenges for me and my siblings—habits we’ve long tried, but failed, to change.

Frugality was deeply ingrained in her bones. I remember a spatula she had used since we were kids. Its handle had become so short that I wasn’t sure whether it had worn down over time or was always that way. Her mopping cloth was riddled with holes, yet she kept using it.

When I noticed my phone hadn’t charged, I realized the socket in my room was broken. But my mother insisted one of the outlets still worked—I just had to figure out which one. She resisted using the new household items we bought for her, preferring older, less convenient ones until they were completely worn out.

Her refrigerator often stored frozen meat that might have been gifts from years ago, as if the freezer could preserve food indefinitely. And it seemed to her that there was no such thing as an expiration date. I once discarded expired milk powder, only to face days of her anger.

These habits often caused friction with the nanny we hired to take care of her. Most nannies couldn’t understand or adapt to her lifestyle, such as eating leftovers from prior meals. While my mother assumed nannies should listen to her, nannies today are more aware of their rights as employees.

Communication with her was already difficult due to her weak hearing, so I sent her long messages urging her to change. I hoped she’d understand my intentions, but she saw it as interference in her life and believed she knew better. After several failed attempts to get through to her, I finally had to let it go.

At those moments, the farthest distance in the world felt like the gap between two minds—when love and concern exist, yet understanding does not.

Clash with my husband

Sometimes, I feel a similar gap even with my husband, despite being from the same generation and a similar background.

At the end of August, when I returned home from China, he gave me a big surprise. While I believed his original intention was to make me happy, it turned out to be one of the worst surprises I’ve ever had. I walked into our house only to find — he had renovated our kitchen while I was away!

I hated the new floor he picked. I was also upset that he didn’t consult me about such a big decision.

“Why didn’t you ask for my opinion?” I asked. “Why didn’t you at least choose this color?” I pointed to another option. “Why did you set the microwave so far away? And why did you replace our old chandelier? This new one is too bright!”

I tried my best to keep my emotions in check while asking these questions. My husband’s response? Silence!

This is him—when we have conflicts, he shuts down and won’t explain himself. He’s the type who believes in tacit understanding—the idea that people should just know each other without needing to say anything.

I sometimes think he’s been influenced by reading too many martial arts novels by Jin Yong and Gu Long, where characters rely on unspoken bonds. But I’m the opposite. I like to know the reasons behind decisions. A sincere conversation always helps calm me down, but with him, that usually doesn’t happen during conflicts.

Instead, I had to console myself by thinking of John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Maybe we really do think differently after all.

At that moment, the farthest distance in the world felt like the one between Mars and Venus—between man and woman.

Final thoughts

What is the farthest distance in the world? I believe the lines can go on and on—between generations, between loved ones, and even between hearts that beat side by side. Yet no matter how far apart we feel, love remains the invisible thread that keeps us connected—and that is life!